fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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