I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
