he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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