The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
