Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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