I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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