Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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