I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
your like the ambassador to my penis.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
