Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
