she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
