i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just had sex on a roof
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
