He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
