hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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