see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
