please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
