why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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