my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
