are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
