I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
