So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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