i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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