I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
