he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
