As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
