I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
