you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
