Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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