Cold hands, warm shart.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
