you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
