hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
