Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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