apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
