my mouth tastes like poor choices
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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