You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
