i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
