Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
