I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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