someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
