You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize