Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I need moral support for this bender
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
