Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
