Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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