The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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