just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
