I just cut my nipple shaving
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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