I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
