I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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