and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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