i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
