toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
