Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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