I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
