Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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