my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Holy sore nipples Batman
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
