just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
