he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
