she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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