My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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