I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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