You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
